My cousin has just announced that she is engaged and will tie the knot in May this year. This news, naturally, set off my parents’ longing to see me walk down the aisle, especially I am the only female in the family with no boyfriend or a ring on my finger. I, naturally, balk at the idea of committing myself to someone for the rest of my life.
Some may say I’m commitment phobic. Well, I am commitment phobic, I’m sure a lot of guys out there would vouch for that. I just simply don’t like being in a relationship. My first boyfriend was so needy and demanded to spend every second of free time with me that telling him I was going out with my girlfriends became a guilt trip. He had to call me every night and talked about every single thing that happened in his day that I have put him on speaker, went about to do my own stuff, and came back to find that he had not stopped talking, and also he had not realized I was gone for a few minutes. I made a point to learn from my mistakes and devised a radar system which I can use to recognize such neediness in guys so that I wouldn’t have to go through such a relationships again. My system worked fine, and I ended up chasing the bad boys instead of the dependable, emotionally available good guys. However, I did find a flaw in my system. Even the bad boys have a sensitive side, and when that side comes out, my system crumbles. I just couldn’t be with someone who is so nonchalant with a devil may care attitude in public and a sensitive new age guy in private who gets offended when I spent some of my free time calling a college buddy over the weekend.
Some may say I’m career driven. I can assure you, I am definitely not career driven. One, I’m unemployed, and two, I don’t even know what kind of career I want to pursue for the rest of my life. If trying to make money from my ranting is considered career driven, then yes, I am guilty of that, but I’m 100% sure I don’t fall into the category of 21st century women who put their career first and marriage second.
Some say maybe I haven’t found my soulmate, and God knows how often I hear this. I met up with a childhood friend a couple of years back, and of course coming from a strong family oriented country such as our home country, the topic of conversation naturally turned to ‘When are you getting married?’. When I told her that I hadn’t felt the itch yet, the first thing she said to me was not to worry, because the right guy would come along. I’m sure she doesn’t mean it in a condescending way, but when you’ve heard it said to you every time someone asked when you’re getting married, you start to feel that it’s become a consoling, sympathetic remark that can be translated to: “You poor thing, you haven’t found a potential husband yet. I hope you find one soon or you’ll spend the rest of your life miserably alone.”
Why is my choice to be single and not wanting to see anyone or being in a relationship so difficult to accept or comprehend? Why is it such a blasphemy to say that I don’t believe in the institution of marriage for myself?
I’m not arguing that marriage is bad. My girlfriends would make great wives and mothers, whereas I would make a terrible one. I am too independent for my own good and too stubborn to compromise on anything that doesn’t lie in line with my beliefs and thoughts. I am not afraid that I would grow old alone in a small little flat, with only dogs as my company, because I can foresee the unhappiness if I defied myself by giving in to marriage. I know that I would feel I was missing out on a lot of things. Places to go, books to read, friends to be made, and my own self-discovery.
Perhaps I’m just selfish; I simply don’t want to change myself or compromise anything that is mine for anyone else. Perhaps it’s the way I dislike how society in my home country view women as unsuccessful unless she has a man to call her husband. Perhaps it’s the expectation that has been imposed on women to utilize our reproductive system maximally to pass on the genes and continue the family name.
All I know is that, from my own experience, I am much happier when I am on my own than when I am with another person. And I know, that even every one around me is getting married one by one, leaving me all alone in my own world, I’d be much happier as the last single girl than as a Mrs. Someone.
hey
u’r not alone, u got me here
Comment by J — March 7, 2009 @ 12:35 pm |
“I’m sure a lot of guys out there would vouch for that”….. how many guys u have dumped ?? … people change … maybe you just haven’t met the “right” one ?
Comment by marley — March 11, 2009 @ 3:11 am |
I see nothing wrong with “I don’t believe in the institution of marriage for myself?” ..
I’m a guy from a asian tradition conservative family myself, though i do know that there are “conservative” families from almost every continent on this earth and you may be from another continent with a slightly different set of traditional family “values”. But i do know on the issue of marriage, it should be almost the same everywhere. correct me if i’m wrong….
if you r still in ur twentys to late thirties or you are already in the late forties till some old age and dun have that “partner itch” , so what? I too am afraid of having a girlfriend/wife whom restricts me on my “guy” trips and would be damned if someone stops/restricts my “own self-discovery”. There’s one thing i learnt from my “false alarm partner itch” just last year is that you find people who grow in the same direction as you .. if possible … you must have also heard enough marriage horror stories and i’m also sure i’ll make a bad partner too ..
as dave chapelle once said ,”I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.”
Comment by marley — March 16, 2009 @ 8:20 am |